writing

I think I promised a while ago to put up the Pirates Vs. Ninja article when the paper was published, and although it's a little late, here it is:

"Ninja: It's an Honor Thing" by Josh Boerman '08

In today's society, we are surrounded by people without honor. Nowadays, there is really no way of honestly knowing whether or not that nice-looking guy with the blazer and the briefcase may actually own you over the head with his BlackBerry. With such omnipresent danger, modern society is in need of a specially trained class of skilled warriors who will defend the long-standing American values of liberty, justice, and equality by killing people in their sleep.

One of the problems with pirates is that, unlike ninja, they completely lack any sense of honor. Terrors of the seas, they just kill people at complete random, pillaging and plundering all the way. Nobody respects or even cares about the well-being of pirates. The contrast to the ancient mastery of the ninja is astounding!

Furthermore, the ninja mystique has captivated generations of Americans. Shrouded in secrecy, the truth of ninja culture is known to very few. This has led to a legendary quality matched by non, inlcuding pirates. Thanks to their honor code, they dominate the world of stories, both visual and written.

The greates thing that differentiates ninja from pirates, however, is their stealth. Thanks to their raucous loudness, one can easily hear a pirate crew approaching from nearly a mile away. Sure, you might call this "horseplay" or even "fun." You would, of course, be wrong. Ninja are known, even celebrated, for their astounding covertness. YOu just try and tell me that some pirate could so much as get a chance at sneaking up upon and harming someone, let along killing them, in those ridiculous pirate getups.

Which brings me to my next point. What the heck is up with pirate costumes? They have to be the most absurdly over-the-top things I have ever seen. Buckles, belts, coins: uuuuuugly. Despite what some may tell you about the "big new look in men's fashion," there is no honor in puffy shirts. None.

It's just self-explanatory. Pirates, as great as they may think they are, simply cannot compete with the dark majesty of Japan's secret warriors. We need more power, more honor, more minimalistic black outfits in modern society. Ninja for the win.


"Ninja Get Honor, Pirates Get Booty" by Emma, the pirate-loyalist

When I was a little girl, I was a pirate boy. Danny, Dominique, Holly and I used to stow away in the pirate ship that sailed between the sand box and the wading pool at daybreak, don dangerous eye patches, and do our best to blend in with the crew. Once because she was disgusted with the poor bathroom facilities on board, Holly successfully led us in mutiny, and that summer the four of us amassed a sizeable amount of booty. You wouldn’t believe it, but my parrot had wavy pink hair and sang pirate songs in four part harmony. Man, that was fun.

And fun is exactly what makes pirates better than ninja.

Fine, ninja would win in a fight. But the last time that counted for anything was when those dancing Jets and Sharks got sick of snapping and decided to express their emotions in more destructive ways, and we all know how that story ended. No, there’s much more to this than which group is better at killing. Just think about it: if you’re going to be an immoral murderer anyway, wouldn’t you like to have fun? When it comes to hedonism, pirates are the clear victors.

I won’t try to say that there aren’t pirates who don’t do anything, but in general, pirates do so many more fun things than ninjas. These sea-swaggerers get to swashbuckle all over the globe while their land-faring foes only kill people in secret. Honestly, how many friends have you made by killing people?

Pirates aren’t known for their fashion sense, but their colorful outfits at least reflect a fun sense of individualism. Ninja, on the other hand, dress identically and lack any sort of personality.
We all learned about empathy from Atticus Finch in freshman English class, so let’s consider the matter of dress from a calendar maker’s shoes. A pirate calendar might look something like this: January-a regal pirate with a long curling mustache and a big red hat; June-bandana clad pirate in a flowing chemise with many bangle bracelets; November-a weathered sailor with a striped shirt and a peg leg. But the ninja calendar? Every month would be exactly the same! Where’s the joy in turning the pages of that calendar, hm?

When the sun sinks below the horizon, it’s the pirates who fall asleep happily, and they’re a welcoming bunch too. You want to become a pirate? There’s no need for years of strenuous training; just climb aboard and glue a moustache to your upper lip! And hey, pass the really bad eggs, will you?


In other writing news, we have to write short, closed form poetry for AP lit, and I'm enjoying emulating the great Shel Silverstein. How's this:

On the Playground
She thought that it would be real fun
To swing up over the bar.
But instead of landing in the sun
She now lies six feet under.

Miss you all,
Emma